For quite a while after the accident, I was terrified of a fork. Now I think I am suffering from a new form of PTSD - I cut power to my food processor between every batch, I hid my mandoline in the furthest darkest corner of my kitchen, I catch myself being slightly terrified every time the cooking show cuts to the knife waiting for the dude to chop off his fingers. At this point it is more of a drama than a tragedy. Here is the state of the fingertip three months after:
Nail
There are horizontal wrinkles and bumps where the nail stopped growing for a while. It is still hard to tell if it will be regularly shaped or not after that section grows out.
Look
I haven't been taking pictures of my finger as frequently as I did in the beginning - it does not change in appearance much from day to day. The tender patch at the very top still has not diminished in size - the look and feel is about the same as three weeks ago. It is pink and dry, so I am guessing it is healthy.
Feel
Every morning I get up thinking “today is the day when I start using my finger normally”... and then I bump it on the bed frame or a mattress while making my bed… nope, not today. The sensitivity level has not changed much in the last few weeks. It does not look or feel like it is planning to finish closing up any time soon.
Usage
Although I am much better at gripping and holding things (so my driving is finally much better), the finger itself is largely useless. Typing is out of the question. Still cannot pick up things from a flat surface. Still hovering the finger over when chopping veg or driving. God forbid I try to reach into a jar or container.
Pain
I am just starting to realize that my stump is constantly in pain. It is very dull, so I don’t notice it during the day, when my mind is busy working or running around attending to other stuff. Most of the time it feels more like an annoying itch, yet nothing that I would wish on someone else. Once in a while there is shooting pain under the nail.
This experience makes me think about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs a lot. It is really not possible to think about anything else, when you are constantly physically uncomfortable. Physical pain literally takes away your will to live. It is amazing how much your life changes when you are able to see and feel beyond that. However, I am still slightly annoyed by everyone’s acting like fingertip amputation is such NOT a big deal. It is a big deal, people! Three months later I still do not have my life back - I still cannot use my finger normally and probably never will.
I am terrified my finger will never return to normal. I am terrified I will never be able to use it like I did before. I am terrified that this experience will have a permanent effect not only on my everyday life, but also on my personality. Fortunately, it is becoming a little easier to be happy, as it is taking up less of my existence.
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