Warning: this is a tragedy. Actually, more of a horror story - stop reading now if you were expecting a comedy. Also, stop reading if you do not want to see any gruesome pictures. I know no one cares, but sometimes you just want to complain about how unfair life is, even if no one is listening.
There is a decent size patch at the very tip of the finger that is still not completely covered and healed. It is still the same size as two weeks ago, which got me kind of worried. I mean, according to the propaganda I was given at the ER, fingertip amputation should heal in 2-4 weeks, but it has been over two months now and my stump is still not completely recovered. But according to my Google search results, it seems to be inline with average. I think it is called granulation tissue that is keratinized into a shell of sorts. It is supposed to let the healing process continue and new blood vessels form underneath. Hopefully, it will get covered with a thicker skin layer over the next few weeks. The scars are lined up to the slightly raised top, so my fingertip (or the lack thereof) looks like a tightened drawstring bag.
The hypersensitivity around the patch is becoming more bearable - I am able to touch soft things like a blanket, although I still try to be very gentle when wiping my hands for example. The rim all around the stump is painful, if I try to lightly press it, probably because the nerve endings still have not been covered with sufficient layer of skin. Thus, using the finger normally is still out of the question - cannot type or pick up things from a flat surface or turn pages in the book.
I still see fireworks when I bump it, which happens all the time. To avoid that I keep it slightly extended and out of the way when I perform basic tasks, like tying my shoes. At this point, I am just grateful that I am even able to tight my own shoes. Definitely developing some new habits, but trying to get back to my pre-FTA routine as much as possible.
I suppose I am used to seeing the stump by now. It is starting to take on a more human appearance, but I think it is becoming more bearable because it must have sinked in that it will never look the same. It will likely look slightly worse than what I hoped for, but slightly better than what it looked like on Day 0. Still worried about the full return of sensitivity. What would be the preference - a stump that looks quasimoto-ish but feels and senses things normally vs a normal looking fingertip that did not feel anything at all? Right now it just does not feel like I will ever be able to use my digit the same way again; in fact, I feel handicapped and totally useless.
One thing that is kind of disturbing about this entire experience is that I haven’t cried. Not initially from pain. Not after realizing that I am missing a part of my body and that my finger is totally fucked for the rest of my life. Not now that it is becoming clear that I will have to figure out a new normal. Am I really so emotionally damaged? I mean no one can be THAT high on emotional stability, can they?
No comments:
Post a Comment
Feel free to take advantage of the First Amendment.