LA Strange: A Story of Chocolate Whine

I am not a wine person.  I cannot stand wine.  Any wine. White, red, pink, orange, green, purple, whatever. I don't drink wine. I hate the taste of it.  The only time I drink wine is when it's chocolate (thanks to Christa).  Or Chocolate Raspberry. 

However, if I love something, I am always looking for other versions.  As a Russian would say: wisdom is found in comparison (все познается в сравнении).  Thus, I am always looking for new brands of chocolate wines to try.  Just in case they turn out to be better.  Or cheaper.  :)  And I was able to find a couple of other kinds of similar chocolate wine in Idaho. 

Now that I am in sunny California, I am also looking for new chocolate wine. My neighborhood Ralphs does carry my usual staple.  But LA has to have more than just one kind, right?  So here I was - in Culver City Pavilions.  And I see this right next to MY chocolate wine:

The front label states: "CHOCOLATE SHOP.  The Chocolate Lover's Wine. Red Wine with Natural Dark Chocolate Flavors."  DARK CHOCOLATE! I LOVE dark chocolate!

The back label states: "Chocolate Shop, the ultimate "Chocolate Lover's Wine" is a deep, ruby red wine blended with rich, velvety chocolate.  Inviting aromas of black cherry and dark chocolate combine in the glass and continue on the palate surrounded by hints of cocoa powder.  Nuances of sweet red wine lingers on the smooth finish (...oh, this sentence should have tipped me off...).  Chocolate Shop provides you with an indulgent wine experience like no other."  Who wouldn't want to try THAT?  AND it was less than my usual staple.  So I went for it.

Full of anticipation of promised indulgence, I get it home.  It is corked...  That should have been my second hint.  Panicked, I frantically searched for the corkscrew, insisting on calling it a screwdriver. 

I coulda sworn I had like FIVE of them in Idaho.  How do I end up with NONE in sunny California? ...But with three whisks? On the very day, when all I want is to get to that buzz?  That might have to be a different story...

Astounded, I walk to my Ralphs, debating whether I should buy a screwdriver or just another bottle of liquor.  Concluding that I really do want to try that new wine, I went for a screwdriver, making it a super fancy one to justify the trip with home improvement. 

The cork is out.  I don't normally bother with glasses, as I do not share my liquor...

...It is a wine. It is just a wine. Might actually be red as they advertise, I wouldn't know.  I am not a wine person.  It tastes just like regular wine.  No hint of chocolate, just damn nasty rotten grapes. Or whatever they put in wine.  Hmmm...

I tried another sip.  Same nastiness.  Pored into a wine glass.  Looks like red wine.  Took pictures.  Muscled out another sip.  Still the same. No chocolate.  None whatsoever.  Dang it!

What in the world would ever possess anyone to call it "an ultimate chocolate lover's wine"?  It tastes nothing like my usual creamy chocolatey delicious staple. 

The disappointment?  Immeasurable.  Even considered another trip to Ralphs - to return the screwdriver. At this point of unmet expectations liquor does not help anymore. 

I have tried a lot A LOT of different wines by now.  But this CHOCOLATE SHOP has managed to deceive me the most.  But don't trust my reviews - I am not a wine person.